


Desper-Roger and Bullfighter Smith

by narwhalpuppy



Category: American Dad
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 06:19:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6554377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narwhalpuppy/pseuds/narwhalpuppy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After reading Hemingway novels and getting fed up with Rogers nonsense. Stan and Francine want to take a romantic vacation in Spain. When the arrive, the citizens believe Stan is a lengendary bullfighter who came back from exile.   Stan won't be able to talk his way out of this one! Francine is in it for the love fest!  Roger and Klaus come to Spain, too.  Roger wants to take down an evil Spanish drug lord who murdered his girlfriend twenty years back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desper-Roger and Bullfighter Smith

American Dad presents....

 

A NarwhalPuppy Production

 

Desper-Roger and Bullfighter Smith

 

* * * 

 

As one can expect living in Langley Falls Virginia, it was a day just like any other. In a yellow house on Cherry Street there lived an ultra conservative, Christian, bible reading, gun slinging, CIA Agent named Stan Smith. Stan was a family man. He had a traditional stay at home housewife Francine who used to be a drug addicted rock and roll groupie, even did some time in the slammer. A freeloading alien, who saved Stan in Area 41 in New Mexico, called Roger. Who was a total bully and sociopath who was always out for his own gain. Even has killed others to get it. Their pet was a goldfish named Klaus who used to be an Olympic skiier from East Germany. That is until he got captured by the CIA and had his body put into a goldfish. Then there was Hayley and Steve. Hayley was the disapointment of the family. Growing up, she was a daddy's girl who idolized her father. Hayley was also known to be boy crazy even from an early age. But as she got older, and more promiscious, she turned against her father's political views and is now a neo-hippie. Hayley is married to her stoner slacker boyfriend, Jeff. Steve was a geeky outcast who is always looking to get laid. Despite the fact he isn't popular in school, he has friends who are just as nerdy as he is. Steve and his friends are always targets for bullies and Stan always tries to turn Steve into a 'real man'.

In his study, Stan Smith just got done reading The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway. He put the book away. "That Hemmingway! He was a man among men!" said Stan boldly as he goes to his computer. "Now I will enjoy that Ted Nugent screensaver I put on my computer!" Stan turned on his computer expecting to see the Ted Nugent screensaver, but instead he sees a picture of himself dressed as an Arab and the word, "Afghani-Stan" read above the picture, then he hits the enter key and sees a picture of himself as a cowboy chewing Skoal with a caption that read, "My Time My Skoal!" Stan was outraged! 

Stan was running downstairs to the living room and takes his computer with him. Francine was there watching TV. Stan confronted Francine and opened his computer to show her.

"Who did this! Who did this! Who was the asshole that did this to my screensaver!" demanded Stan.

"Have no clue," said Francine.

"Was it you?" asked Stan.

"No, I would never do that to you! Why would I! I'm your wife! Maybe one of the kids did it!" answered Francine.

"Don't pull that shit with me! Hayley and Jeff are at a summer camp being counselers for underprivledged at-risk minority kids, and Steve and his friends are at a teenage co-ed summer camp! Please let that kid get laid!" stated Stan.

Roger and Klaus were outside hiding. 

"He's going to find out it was you who messed with his screensaver!" said Klaus to Roger.

"Nah, won't be in trouble for this one, trust me!" said Roger who wasn't worried. "Thought of every precaution here, Klaus! Changed the coordinates so it can't be traced back." 

"Can't believe you're not worried about this!" said Klaus.

"You'll see!" said Roger.

"Why don't you use your CIA skills to find out who did this to you." said Francine.

"OKay, I will!" said Stan as he took apart his computer. Stan was looking inside to see who might have messed with his screensaver. "Just wanted a cool Motor City Mad Man screensaver, is that too much to ask?" mumbled Stan. 

Roger started to snicker as Stan checked out his computer. 

"Checking coordinates......and......bingo! The culprit who did this to me was......."

"Oh mein gosh, Roger! You're in for an ass-whupping!" warned Klaus.

"Not in the least!" said Roger.

Stan was in major shock when he found it who is was who messed up his screensaver.

"Prinicipal LEWIS!" screamed Stan. 

"I thought he was a good friend of ours," said Francine.

"Your naivety has gotten you nowhere, Francine! Now if you'll excuse me, I got some black ass to kick!" said Stan as he ran out of his house to find Prinicipal Lewis.

"See? Told you I was in the clear! I put the frame on a black guy!" said Roger.

"Guess I should never underestimate you!" said Klaus.

Stan arrived at Prinicipal Lewis's house as he pounded on the door. Prinicipal Lewis goes to answer the door.

"Coming! Could be those girl scout cookies I ordered." said Prinicipal Lewis. When he opens the door, it was an angry Stan.

"Stan! What a pleasant surprise!" said Prinicipal Lewis. "Want to go out for Brewskis!"

"This isn't a social call, Lewis! You hacked into my computer and ruined my screensaver!" said Stan as he proceeded to beat up on Prinicipal Lewis.

"No, wait! I've done nothing...." protested Prinicipal Lewis. 

Stan beats up on Prinicipal Lewis mercilessly. 

"Beat your ass up until you can't shit anymore!" screamed Stan.

"No, wait! Stop! You got the wrong guy! This always happens to me! I'm calling the police!" screamed Prinicipal Lewis.

"You seem to be forgetting something! I'm in the CIA! I'm friends with the police!" said Stan as he continutiously punched and kicked Prinicipal Lewis.

 

*

Night turned into day. Roger was in a driveway as he popped the hood on Stan's SUV. Roger planned to gussy up Stan with his latest practical joke. 

"Hmmm, wonder how I can get him this time! Stan! Stan!" called Roger.

Stan runs outside to the driveway, "What is it, Roger? he asked.

"Something happened to your SUV! It's not starting up!" exclaimed Roger. 

"Oh, no! I can't lose my car now! It has a 27% APR Financing and it's been through 2 Iraq wars and 2 George Bushes! Get in, Roger! Let's check it out." panicked Stan. 

Roger got inside the car and into the driver's seat. Stan was in the back of the SUV about ready to push.

"Tell me what you want me to do!" called Roger.

"I'll push it from behind and you try to drive! We'll walk it to the mechanic!" said Stan.

"Maybe we can take it to Midas! I'll get that golden hand from those commercials to have you a hand job and smack you up, bitch!" laughed Roger. 

"This is no time for your pathetic ass high jinks! Now, steer!" demanded Stan. "Always known it was going to come to this!"

Roger starts up the engine, and Stan proceeds to push. The SUV budged about 2 feet. Stan falls down forward. "Awww, son of a bitch! Roger...." The engine sounded like it was broken much to Stan's unawareness. "Let's start over! I'll get from behind again, and don't start it until I tell you!" ordered Stan.

Stan gets behind the SUV again. "All right, Roger.....now!" Roger starts up the engine and it runs like it's new, Roger pushes down on the accelerator and the force makes Stan fall over again and the exhaust pipe blows out black soot that poofs in Stan's face making it all blackened. 

Roger drives the SUV down to the mailbox. Stan was in an embittered outrage. Roger gets out of the SUV and Stan grabs a monkey wrench and runs after Roger. Stan's face is still blackened from the soot. Roger gets terrified as he sees Stan's face. 

Roger screams in fear, "Holy shitburgers! It's Kayne West! RUN!!!!" 

Stan chases Roger down the street with the monkey wrench, "How dare you make me think my SUV was broken! Come back and face your punishment! You (beep) with me for the last time!" 

 

* 

 

The following day Stan was at his desk in the CIA. Feeling animosity towards Roger, Stan is bewildered is he was trying to figure out why Roger has been pranking him. 

"He always gets like this in the summer! With Steve gone at summer camp...... We should've let him move into his own apartment and he can work as a exotic dancer for all I care. Why is it always me? Why doesn't he prank Francine or Klaus? Nahhhh, shouldn't be too concerned. That's not being like a man. Thankfully, my vacation is coming soon....." mumbled Stan. 

From far away, Stan hears laughter from his CIA coworkers.. Stan walks to where the commotion is. Stan walks into a computer room and sees Bullock, his boss, agents Jackson, Dick, Duper, and Bad Larry were all laughing at a computer. Even Jocelyn and Lorraine were there. 

"Mind letting me in on your joke?" asked Stan.

"Sure, we're just watching a funny Youtube video!" said Bad Larry.

"Are you familiar with Unsolved Mysteries, Smith?" asked Bullock.

"That was my favorite show when I was in college! It's on Youtube, now?" said Stan ecstatically.

"You asked what the joke is, you are the joke, Stan!" said Jackson.

"I'm the joke! What does me being a joke have to do with Unsolved Mysteries?" said Stan as he was confused. "Unless you think I act like Robert Stack."

"Ever heard about the 1998 flick Baseketball?" asked Duper.

"Wasn't that a There's Something About Mary rip off?" asked Stan.

"You know, gentlemen. Let's just let him on in it!" said Sanders.

"Suit yourself, Smith! You want to see it!" said Bullock.

Stan comes to the computer where the CIA agents he worked with were watching the video. Sure enough, it was a video of Roger dressed as Robert Stack. 

"Apparently you went missing!" giggled Jocelyn.

"Thing is, he's still here! And this dude says you went to India on the run or some damn thing!" laughed Lorraine.

Bullock started up the Youtube video again. The opening credits to Unsolved Mysteries played for 5 seconds, On came Roger who was talking in the video, " Good evening! Welcome to another addition of Unsolved Mysteries. Tonight's episode, Runaway CIA. Be on the lookout for Stan Smith. American CIA Agent based in Langley Falls Virginia. He supposedly found some meth in the FBI laboratories, and ran away to Calulcutta. Rumor has it Stan is going to sell the meth to third world countries......like Syria."

"Know what's going on here!" growled Stan.

The video continued to play Roger went onto say, "This is a picture of Stan Smith the last time we saw him," a square picture of Stan's profile appeared in the upper lefthand corner on the video. "Here is an artist description of what he might look like now." Then on the right hand corner on the video showed a square picture of Lamar Odom.

The CIA agents all burst into explosive laughter! Stan runs away feeling very humiliated, everyone was laughing too hard to even notice.

"That is the funniest video ever!" exclaimed Jackson.

"That Lamar Odom picture was genius!" laughed Bullock.

"Can you imagine Stan looking like that after running away!" asked Duper as he laughed hard.

Stan drove home in his SUV and had murderous thoughts about Roger. After he came home, Francine was astonished to see him come home so early.

"Stan, what are you doing coming home at this hour?" asked Francine curiously.

"Dammit Francine! Does it really matter what time of the day I come home!" snapped Stan then he soon regretted it. "I'm sorry, honey. Roger's been giving me a hard time this summer. What with the kids gone...." Stan was sitting on the couch. 

"Noticed he's been pranking you a little too much, and that's isn't fair. Say, don't you have a vacation coming up soon?" asked Francine in delight.

"In fact I do. Just thought of something! I need to get away from Roger and his childish atrocities." said Stan.

"Think he's acting out like this because he's either bored, or he misses Hayley and Steve. He usually goes after one of them or Klaus during the summer". said Francine.

"You're right. Want to hear my vacation idea?" asked Stan.

"What do you have in mind? We're not going back to Bosnia again, are we?" asked Francine.

"No way! I was reading The Sun Also Rises. Got me thinking we should take a trip to Europe this summer, what do you say!" said Stan.

"Sounds romantic! I love it!" said Francine.

"We'll have a Sun Also Rises adventure of our own! Ernest Hemingway style! I'll be Jake, you can be Lady Brett! But only I didn't get my testicles blown off in the war." said Stan. "We'll go to Spain first, then France, Italy, and so on". 

"Let's do it! We need to get away from Roger!" said Francine.

Stan and Francine agree to pack up and take a European vacation. Roger and Klaus hear this from afar. 

"So they're going to Spain. I am too" said Roger.

"You can't! You demented, man? They're going to get away from YOU!" said Klaus.

"I know that! You and I are going there! We're going to have an adventure of our own." said Roger.

"You always drag me along, so guess I don't have a choice." said Klaus.

"We stay out of sight," said Roger as he pulls out a gun and a guitar.

"What is that gun for?" said Klaus.

"Let's just say, I have a score to settle in Andalusia!" said Roger

As Stan and Francine were packing their bags, Stan felt a little insecure.

"Francine, you didn't happen to see a Youtube video about Unsolved Mysteries did you?" asked Stan.

"No, I haven't. Never look at Youtube Let's just concentrate on having a fun romantic getaway!" said Francine.

Stan was relived that Francine never saw the video Roger made to make a mockery out of Stan. Roger and Klaus were packing their bags for Spain just as Stan and Francine were.

 

* 

The airplane Stan and Francine were on landed in the Andalusia Airport. Stan and Francine along with a bunch of other passangers got off the plane and headed to the baggage claim. Roger was in the back of the crowd dressed as a Hasidic Jew trying to keep out of sight from Stan and Francine. As they were walking to the baggage claim, people were whispering and scrutinizing Stan. Neither of them noticed yet. 

>"It's going to be so much fun to have sex on the beach here in Spain." exclaimed Francine.

>"Here in Europe, women can go topless! Did you know that?" asked Stan.

>"Sort of did! Perhaps we can make love nude in the sunset! (sighs) What do you want to do first?" asked Francine.

>"Too bad there's no Peugeot Type car to transport us to the roaring 1920's and we can really be like Jake and Brett!" said Stan. "Like Owen Wilson in Midnight in Paris!" 

>Francine now sees that the workers in the airport were looking at Stan like they knew him from somewhere.

>"Woah, Stan. These people here think you're some kind of celebrity? Did you save someone here on a CIA mission?" asked Francine.

>"Sweet Greg Gutfeld, you're right! Holy shit! It's like these people think we're on the Real Housewives of Andalusia!" said Stan in shock. 

>"Where do they know you from? Didn't have an affair here, did you?" asked Francine suspiciously. "Do they think you're some cassanova?"

>"No, no! Never even been here. Bullock never lets us come here to Spain! You knew that. Told you that years ago." said Stan trying to convince Francine. 

"All right, I believe you." said Francine. 

>Stan and Francine get their luggage, and go inside a taxi. Roger sticks his head out of a trash can. 

>"Whew! Thank (beep) Stanny and Franny didn't see me! Now, to do what I came here to do, Klaus!" said Roger as he had Klaus in a fishbowl. Then Roger and Klaus go inside another taxi.

"Remember that trip to Europe we took back in '08?" asked Klaus.

"Nows not the time for that." said Roger. 

> *

>In the middle of Andalusia, Stan and Francine were sightseeing and taking pictures with their iPHONEs. 

>"Check this out, Francine! SELFIE!" said Stan as he was taking a picture of himself in front of a building.

>Francine laughs, "You can put that on Instagram!" 

>Stan and Francine were walking to a restaurant. Francine wants to check into their hotel first. 

>"Why are we stopping at a restaurant for? Shouldn't we check into our hotel first?" asked Francine.

>"Want to find out how these Spaniards know me. Was that a racial slur!? Ahh, who cares!" asked Stan.

>"Let that go for now. Find out later! Let's check into our hotel!" said Francine.

>"We are going to eat! Hope and pray Gerardo that Rico Sauve guy isn't here!" said Stan. "Love to puke on his Spanish cooking!" 

>"If you want, it's your call." said Francine.

>Francine and Stan walk into the restaurant and the customers cheer the minute they see Stan.

>"OLE!!! HOLA! Welcome back!" raved the customers! 

>"We knew you'd come back, here sign my boobs!" said a Spanish woman. 

>"How do you all know about me!" demanded Stan.

>The restaurant manager said, "You have finally decided to come back! When are you going to be bullfighting again?"

>"Bullfighting? What kind of (beep)ing bullshit is this?" said Stan. 

>"You have a way of losing your memory after that bull knocked you on your ass and your head landed on a wooden wall." said a customer.

>"Why do you all want with my husband?" asked Francine.

>"You don't know? Why he's the most famous bullfighter in all of Spain! He is Don Salvador!" answered the Restaurant Manager excitedly.

>"No, No! You guys don't understand! I'm not a bullfighter! I'm an American CIA agent! What is making you assholes believe I am a bullfighter who's lost his memory?" said Stan in bitter disgust.

>The Restaurant Manager comes up to Stan with a poster and said, "Perhaps this will jog your memory!" 

>The poster was of Don Salvador the Famous Bullfighter. Don Salvador looked like an exact replica of Stan Smith! 

>"WHAT?!?! That bullfighter looks like........me!" said a stupefied Stan.

>Stan and Francine ran out of the restaurant and they were being approached by an old looking Spanish man in a white suit and sombereo. 

 

> *

 

>Somewhere in a bar in Andalusia, Roger and Klaus look inside a window. They see an obese looking bald man who was wearing a brown and dark blue suit, with glasses and a moustache. His hands were all red and scarred. The man was a Spanish Drug Kingpin known as ScarManos. Men surrounding him were his henchmen.

>"There is he, Klaus! That's the guy I came here to hunt down and assassinate!" said Roger.

>"Whatever did he do?" asked Klaus.

>"When I lived in Spain before I came to live with the Smiths, he killed my girlfriend 20 years ago. Now I'm out for blood! Good thing Stan and Francine wanted to come here!" said Roger.

>"How are you going to get this dude? He looks like fat and bald Cheech Marin!" said Klaus. 

>"Watch and learn from the pro!" said Roger as him and Klaus entered the bar. ScarManos sees Roger who has his guitar ready and is dressed like Antonio Bandaras in a black blouse, slacks and cowboy boots.

>"Welcome and greetings! I am looking for a new recruit to be a drug mule!" said ScarManos.

>"Why are you called ScarManos?" asked Klaus profusely.

>"Fifteen years ago, my drug mules and I were in a gunfight with some rival drug dealers. One of those drug dealers threw a hand grenade at me and I caught it with my hands. It blew up on me! The rival drug dealers ran away and my hands were all bloody and blown to bits. Now my hands are scarred for life. That is how I aquired my new nickname, ScarManos!" explained ScarManos.

>"We didn't need to hear your life story! You found yourself a new flunkie!" said Roger.

>"I'm afraid it's not that easy! You have to prove yourself worthy!" said ScarManos. 

>"Stop sitting there, tell us what does he have to do?" asked Klaus.

>"If you think for one minute, I am going to give you a blow job or lick the inside of your ass...." began Roger. 

>"No, No, no! Nothing sexual! I'm not gay or anything! He has a guitar, so play us a song, if you're good!" said ScarManos.

>"Hope the drugs are good!" said Roger as he jumped into the bar table and began to play the song Cancion del Mariachi. 

>"Soy un hombre muy honrado, que me gusta lo mejor A las mujeres no me faltan, ni al dinero, ni el amor. Jineteando en mi caballo, por la sierra yo me voy. Las estrellas y la luna, ellas me dicen donde voy. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, mi amor Ay, mi morena De mi corazon." sang Roger in fluent Spanish. ScarManos was watching as Roger continued to play. 

>Roger goes onto sing the next verse.

>"Me gusta tocar la guitarra, me gusta cantar el son. Mariachi me acompana, cuando canto mi cancion. Me gusta tomar mis copas, aguardiente es lo mejor. Tambien el tequila blanco, con su salla sabor. Ay, ay, ay, ay Ay, ay, mi amor Ay, mi morena De mi corazon Ay, ay, ay, ay Ay, ay, mi amor Ay,mi morena De mi corazon (Ay ay ay)". sang Roger as he finished the song. ScarManos, the people in the bar, and his henchmen all clapped and cheered for him.  
>  
>"Felicidades DIOS MIO! You are now my new drug mule!" said an impressed ScarManos. "You begin Manana!"

"Javhole! Good for you, Roger! Never knew you spoke Spanish!" Exclaimed Klaus.

"Lots about me you don't know". answered Roger.  
>  
>"But Roger, you joined your enemy! What's the logic in that, man?" asked a craven Klaus.  
>  
>Roger whispered, "Joined forces with ScarManos to get the dibs on him! When the time is right, he will feel my wrath! I will disembowel, destroy, ravage, fill his brain and face with bullets until he drools blood. I will chop up his heart and lungs, then I'm going to tear his dick off and stuff it in his mouth and his bunghole over and over!"  
>  
>Roger and Klaus are very pleased to proceed with their plan to take down ScarManos so Roger can exact his revenge.  
>

> *  
>

 

Off in the middle of the desert in Spain. A huge white mansion presided there. It was owned by none other than ScarManos. Inside, they were having a party celebrating the arrival of their newest member of their drug cartel. Roger Smith. ScarManos, his henchmen, strippers, Roger and Klaus were all dancing.

"Fiesta! Fiesta!" sang the henchmen as they danced. 

Klaus joining in, "Good Time Great Taste At McDonalds! Fiesta! Yikes! Wrong song!" 

"Really Klaus? Really? You (beep)ing serious right now? We don't need you!" said Roger. 

"That's right. An old jingle from that commercial for spicy sauces from 1987. Big Mac Attack! No wait! That's not recent! Da Da Da Da Da! I'm Loving it!" said Klaus. "Did I do good?" 

"I told you to stop! You're embarrassing me! What does this drug cartel have to do with McDonalds jingles?" said Roger harshly. 

The party went on until ScarManos stopped it to give Roger his first mission. 

"To welcome in our newest member, we are going to give you your first project" said ScarManos.

"I'm ready for this." said Roger. 

ScarManos gives Roger a box full of cocaine and heroin.

"Give this cocaine and heroin to this address." said ScarManos as he handed Roger the box full of drugs and a paper with an address on it. 

"I'm on it, sir!" said Roger slyly. 

The strippers come up to Klaus.

"Want us to take you to McDonalds?" they asked.

"Oh, yes! Please! I get to eat at a McDonalds in Spain! I'm there!" cheered Klaus with enthusiasm . Roger goes off to deliver the drugs. 

Slowly and surely, Roger is waiting for the right moment to strike upon his mayhem on ScarManos. 

 

*

 

Back outside the restaurant in Andalusia where Stan and Francine walked out, the old man who walked up to them also recognizes Stan as Don Salvador. His name was Santiago.

"(gasps) It's you! Don Salvador! Knew you would come back!" exclaimed Santiago.

"Look! I am not a (beep)ing bullfighter! I don't know the first thing about bullfighting! I am a (beep)ing American CIA agent! I am Stan Smith, not Don (beep)ing Salvador! I cannot stress this long enough! Now will you get off my ass so Francine and I can enjoy our vacation? Do I make myself clear?"! screamed Stan at Santiago. 

"My, yes! Even though you lost your memory, your temper remains. Don't you remember me? I am your mentor who taught you everything you needed to know about Bullfighting! Santiago!" said Santiago as he revealed himself. "Why don't you both come with me?" 

Francine goads to Stan, "Could lead to something exciting! Lets see where he takes us!" 

Stan reluctantly agrees, "If we can get to the bottom of this mystery....."

"Got just the thing to help you get your stamina back." said Santiago. He was leading Stan and Francine to a street corner with a trapdoor inside. The three of them go in that had an underground room. Inside the underground room there was an office. Stan and Francine sit down on the chairs and let Santiago tell the story. Stan decides he wants to get to the bottom of the Don Salvador debacle that was thrown at him suddenly.

"You were a legend here in Spain," began Santiago.

"That's set some things straight here. You now got me curious. What inspired ME Don Salvador to even become a Bullfighter?" asked Stan in a snarky way. 

"When you and your younger brother were teenagers your parents took you both to a bullfight," explained Santiago. "Your younger brother went into the stadium where the bullfight had taken place and he tried to take on the bull himself, but he got gored by the bull. Then that's when the spark set off in you, Don Salvador! You became the greatest bullfighter in all of Spain when the years have past and even vowed to take down the bull that killed your brother. Then one day you had an injury where the bull rammed into you that made you fall onto a wooden wall then you went into absent obscurity."

"Moving and touching story. Stan, maybe you should go through with this, " said Francine.

"Perhaps I can give it my best shot, if this is what it takes for these Spaniards to shut up the hell up about Don Salvador! Whatever happened to this brother?" asked Stan. 

"I still have a part of him, " said Santiago as he opened a safe and it had a severed head of Don Salvador's brother.

"Woah, horseshit!" screamed both Stan and Francine.

"Still have your bullfighter outfit." said Santiago. He goes to a closet and hands Stan the bullfighters outfit, Stan tries it on. 

"Wow! Stan! You look so sexy in that!" said Francine.

"This really isn't too bad, being Don Salvador and all." said Stan.

"Can we have sex after you take down this bull? Feel like I'm having an affair with a stranger!" giggled Francine. "Don't worry, we won't tell Stan!" 

Stan hands Francine a flower and says, " El Amor!" 

"You know how good I am at giving you head!" flirted Francine. 

"There is just one problem." announced Santiago. "We lost your Torero." 

"That blanket thingy bullfighters use?" asked Stan.

"Yes, so which one of you wants to go out and buy one!" asked Santiago.

"I'll do it! Always wanted to go shopping in Europe!" volunteered Francine.

"There is a Terero store down the street straight down someways, go there!" said Santiago.

"I'll be happy to!" said Francine.

"Once you obtain the Terero, we can begin our training!" said Santiago. 

Stan and Santiago stay behind to wait for Francine to buy the Terero.

 

*

 

Francine was on her way to the Terero shop, and from far away, she sees Roger walking with a package. They bump into one another.

"What? Roger? What are hell are you doing in Spain? Stalking Stan, now?" asked Francine. "The whole reason he came to Spain is to get away from your shenanigans!" 

"No, no. I'm delivering these drugs, what are you doing?" asked Roger.

"Delivering drugs. What a shocker from you! Stan is mistaken for a bullfighter and we need a Terero to help him train for a bug bullfight!" said Francine. "You better get out of here before Stan sees you!" 

"Plan to do that, Frannie!" said Roger. 

"Why are you delivering drugs here in Spain?" asked Francine.

"Already told Klaus this story. Twenty years ago, I lived here in Spain. I started a riot, then got sent to a mental ward for a week. I escaped and fell in love with this prostitute. While we were on the run we used to to kinky bondage rape games together and she loved it..." explained Roger.

"That sounds like the movie Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!" said Francine. 

"Sure know your foreign movies very well, " stated Roger.

"Stan and I saw it when we were going through an S&M phase." said Francine.

"So, anyhoo, a Spanish drug kingpin named ScarManos one day broke into a motel room we were staying in, he used to go around and kill people for no apparent reason, " explained Roger.

"Like you?" asked Francine cynically.

Roger conintued, "The son of a bitch killed my girlfriend! I joined his drug cartel so I can wait for the right time to obliterate his ass for good!" said Roger.

"Good luck with your assignment. Whatever it may lead." said Francine as she walked away. 

Roger goes back to ScarManos's mansion, as Francine goes into the Terero store and buys one for Stan and then goes back to the underground room.

"Got the Terero!" called out Francine.

"Good job! Now we start our training! There is a bullfight scheduled for this coming Friday." said Santiago. 

"I have a week to train? Thought college oral exams were tough." said Stan meekly. 

Santiago lead Stan and Francine into a vacant stadium. As Santiago was training Stan for the bullfight the Peaking Light's Conga Blue is playing. For the next week Stan was being trained for the big bullfight on Friday. 

 

*

 

Friday had finally arrived. Stan and Roger were both about to face their biggest moments that fate had planned for them. In the backyard of ScarManos's mansion. There was a tiger in a cage, pool, and some patio furniture. Roger and ScarManos go to sit down in the patio furniture. 

"I must say, I am very impressed your loyality! Really excelled! You deliver the drugs to all the right places, you don't mess up! You are the best drug mule I have ever had. Proud to have you on my team." exclaimed ScarManos.

"Why thank you! There's something I think you should know about me," began Roger.

"What is this you want to speak of," asked ScarManos.

"Not only am I an excellent drug mule for you. I am also the head editor for Rolling Stone magazine." said Roger.

ScarManos was getting happier by the minute.

"You mean, you're going to interview me"? said ScarManos spontaneously.

"Absolutely I will!" said Roger. "After this interview, you will be world famous!" 

"Always wanted worldwide fame! Let's do this! Want to you want to know?" asked ScarManos.

Roger gets out a clipboard with a paper on it and a pencil.

"What drove you to want to become a drug dealer?" asked Roger.

"Good question. Had a wonderful and happy childhood," ScarManos started. "All my life I've been around drugs. My father owned grow houses and my parents used to let me do whatever I wanted. My parents used to tell me I was the greatest kid they've seen they gave me everything I wanted. I went around the neighborhood and bullied, beat up, and harrassed kids who were different from me. My parents were high all the time and too busy getting it on with one another if you know what I mean. But, I didn't want to be in the weed business. So instead I ventured out and wanted to get into the drug business by selling other drugs. Like meth, cocaine, crack, heroin. You name it." 

"Hmmm, I see. Now, what age group are you targeting with your drugs?" asked Roger.

"My flunkies and I like to sell them to anyone. Children, teenagers, young adults, old adults! Even senior citizens like our drugs!" answered ScarManos.

"Moving on, what is the thrill that you get when you sell?" asked Roger.

"Love the thrill of doing bad criminal heinous acts. Never wanted to be good for anything. Being good and doing good gets you nowhere. Love that zest, stimulation, and to galvanize. That feeling you get when you're running around the cities of Pamploma, Madrid, and Andalusia, shooting, killing, selling drugs with the police on your tail....." sighed Scarmanos contently. "Sometimes we even give drugs to bulls to make them act posessed with they take on bullfighters! Forgot to add that. 

"Do you ever regret not getting married and having kids?" asked Roger.

"Who needs a wife when you have strippers? That's the life I love to get out of this drug cartel I created from the ground up. No ring on your finger, no snotty nosed brats." continued ScarManos.

"Ever expirienced any tragedies?" asked Roger.

"Just that one time when that rival drug lord threw a hand grenade at my hands," said ScarManos sorrowfully.

"You're about to expirience another tragedy...." said Roger.

"Whatever do you mean?" asked ScarManos with a hint of concern in his voice.

"I joined forces with you so I can get my revenge for what you did to my girlfriend 20 years ago!" said Roger.

ScarManos was starting to get nervous. "I don't remember that"! 

"Yes you do! You broke into a motel her and I were staying and YOU SHOT HER TO DEATH!" said Roger! 

"Please, please! Have mercy!" said ScarManos.

"I don't believe in mercy! I believe in bringing pain and misery to anyone who's (beep)ed with me! And kicking your ass!" said Roger. "Now you're going to be buried in a deserty shallow grave! You dick! You cocksucker! You son of a bitch!" 

"Oh no! What's going to become of me, now!" said ScarManos!

"THIS!" screamed Roger as he blew a whistle. "Fall in Troops!" 

A bunch of soliders in military uniforms arrive in ScarManos's backyard. 

"HERE COMES THE PAIN!!!!" screamed Roger! "ATTACK!" 

The soldiers were from the Spanish Military. Kiss This From The Struts plays. Roger was helping the Spanish Military shooting at ScarManos's henchmen and a bloody shootout ensues. ScarManos's henchmen shoot at the soldiers to try to fight back, but fail miserably. Two henchmen tried to sneak up behind Roger and try to kill him, but Roger turns around and shoots them both and yells, "MISSED ME!" One by one all ScarManos's henchmen were getting killed. By Roger and the Spanish Military. ScarManos gets shot up the worst. Roger helps the Spanish Military as they were shooting up ScarManos. Bullets entered his body repeatedly and blood was spurting out. ScarManos was barely alive. Roger shakes the hands of the general in the army.

"Thanks so much for this, I owe you one!" said Roger.

"It was a pleasure to take down that evil drug kingpin! Good thing you reported him to us!" said the General. "Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to the MidEast! Soliders! March!" 

The Spanish Military marched away and Roger had one bullet left in his gun. He walks up to the nearly dying ScarManos.

"Don't kill me......" said ScarManos weakly. "Look into your heart...."

"I have no heart". said Roger.

"I do have a memory of that girl who dated you that I killed. She was one of my whores..." said ScarManos. "Why oh why did you betray me? I liked you so much......"

"All I wanted to know." said Roger as he aimed his gun at ScarManos. "Now, looks like you're going to have a new place and customer for your drugs....."

"Where is that?" asked ScarManos.

"Lucifer! In HELL!!!! Oh, and watch the show Lucifer on FOX!" screamed Roger as he put a final bullet into ScarManos's brain. ScarManos and his henchmen were all dead. Roger couldn't be more proud now that he finally wrecked his venegence. Klaus comes to the backyard to see the bloody mess.

"You had a goal and you achieved it! Are they all dead?" said Klaus.

"They are! Unfortunately for you, Klaus. You missed a fun shootout!" said Roger.

"I fulfilled a dream this week, too!" said Klaus.

"Oh, really! What's this fun and exciting thing you did?" asked Roger sarcastically.

"I ate at a McDonalds here in Spain! For a whole week! ScarManos's strippers drove me there! But somehow since this is Spain, I expected their food to be a little more spicier. Like maybe have salsa in their burgers." said Klaus.

"Oh, whoopie-de-shit! How fun! I took down an evil drug lord kingpin who murdered my whore girlfriend." said Roger.

"Heard that before. Let's go home!" said Klaus.

"Yes, lets. Stan must not ever know we were here in Spain." said Roger. "Lucky for us, Stan and Francine will be in Europe for the next month, Hayley and Steve are still at summer camp so we can celebrate and throw a party!" 

Roger and Klaus agree to go home. They go to Andalusia airport to book a flight back to Langley Falls.

 

*

 

At the stadium in Andalusia, Stan was preparing for the bullfight. Francine and Santiago were in the audience watching him.

"Don't forget everything I taught you"! said Santiago! "Now you can take out that bull that murdered your little brother all those years back! We are counting on you Don Salvador!" 

Stan walks up to Francine with a rose. "To the most beautiful woman in all of Spain!" said Stan as he threw the flower to Francine and she caught it. "Wish me luck with this! It was a hellish week training, now I think I got it down pat. After this, we'll go to France! We have a month in our European vacation left!" 

"Just have one word to say to you! WIN!" shouted Francine. 

An announcement horn sounded and a bull came out from nowhere like a kamikaze. 

"Here I go! Just hope I don't get killed, OLE!" said Stan as he charged after the bull with his Terero. 

The bull was foaming at the mouth and going wild. Stan did his best to subdue the bull, but the bull attacked him. The bull kicked Stan in the ass, and Stan fell to the ground. The audience was murmuring. The bull was high on cocaine and heroin. Little did they know, the bull was sent by ScarManos before he was killed by Roger.

"I was just getting started!" said Stan.

"Don't fail at this! Think of your brother!" said Santiago.

"I'll love you no matter what!" said Francine.

Stan gets up to try again. "Stan Smith never gives up! Never gives in!" he stated as he flashed the Terero at the bull again, but the bull rammed into his chest with catapulted Stan into the air. Stan landed on the bulls back and Stan rode on the bull rodeo style. The audience cheered. 

"Don Salvador! Don Salvador!" chanted the audience. 

"Learned this from watching cowboy movies with Steve McQueen and William Holden! Ho there! Ho there! Ho there! Ho There!" 

"You haven't lost your edge!" said Santiago.

Stan continued to ride the bull like a rodeo horse, then falls off. The bull started to step on Stan, picked up Stan with his mouth and threw him again into the air. Stan landed on soft dirt. Feeling the effects of the drugs the bull was on. The bull is thinking he is seeing five Stans and chases after Stan once he gets up. The audience begins to laugh.

"Don Salvador Loco! Don Salvador Loco!" chanted the audience again.

"Roger's pranks are nothing compared to THIS!" exclaimed Stan getting up from the dirt.

"Stan! I don't think this audience likes you too much anymore!" said Francine.

"You better redeem yourself and not disgrace yourself. Show these people you are still the Don Salvador they all know and love!" warned Santiago then he began to ponder. "Hmmm, maybe that ScarManos guy has something to do with this bull acting so weird."

"This bull is acting posessed!" said Stan. "I'd do anything to forfeit!" 

In one final move out of desperation, Stan jumps onto the bull and tries to wrestle it. The bull overpowers Stan once again as the bull bites his pantleg and starts dragging him all over the stadium.

"This isn't like you, Don Salvador! You're a disgrace to bullfighting!" screamed Santiago in anger. Stan then has an A-ha moment. 

"Disgrace! That's it! Can't do this anyone! I'm putting a halt to this!" said Stan as he freed himself from the bulls grip. The bull then charges at Stan again and Stan karate kicks the bull and the bull runs away. The audience goes wild with excitement. 

"Listen! Listen! Can I have your attention please! I am not Don Salvador. And I will never be!" said Stan.

"It was a fun ride while it lasted." said Francine.

"This is what I think of you people! (sings the tune to shave and a haircut) What do you think about that, eh?" said Stan as he gave the middle finger to the crowd. The crowd responded in silence. 

"What? Wait? Doesn't bother you so-called Spaniards? Offends people in Mexico." said Stan confused.

"Why are you doing this? Don't you want to prove yourself?" said Santiago. "Don't let that bull get the better of you. He was supposed to be drugged, it was all ScarManos's idea". 

"Got nothing to prove to anyone here. I came here to make love to my lovely and beautiful wife, Francine! I am not a Bullfighter. I am an American CIA agent and a tourist. I am on a vacation here with my wife. I wanted to recreate the fun that Jake and Brett from The Sun Also Rises had." explained Stan. "Then I was sidetracked by these (beep)ing idiots and wasted by time with getting involved and trained for this stupid ass bullfighting nonsense!" 

"Don't think they know what you're talking about." said Francine. "They are not buying your story!" 

"Your Don Salvador was just a figment on your deluded imaginations. If he was real, he sounds like a pain in the ass!" said Stan as he paused for a minute. The audience still didn't believe him. "You guys win. I am Don Salvador. And the reason why I am not up to par on bull fighting is because......"

"Because what?" said Santiago.

"Because......I have.....rectal cancer!" said Stan as he threw up and vomited. After Stan vomited, he emits a huge pile of dirrahea that landed on the bulls eyes as the bull ran further away from the stadium. The audience was booing, sobbing, acting all distraught at Stan and yet they all felt sorry for him. Francine and Santiago come down from the audience.

"Want to go to France?" asked Francine.

"Let's go there now. I have had enough of this bull-shit! Literally!" said Stan in maddening laughter. "At least I still got my wit!"

"You are a dishonor to bullfighters all over Europe! You're fired! Never want to see you again! I and the people of Spain discredit you! Worst thing is? You disappointed your little brother! I am done with you! I'M DONE!" shouted Santiago as he walks out the stadium. Stan and Francine exited the stadium as well. 

"Thank God he's gone." said Stan. "Saw a train station not to far from here. Hopefully we can leave this whole Spain disaster behind and go to France!" 

"I'd be happy to! I love you even more that you've disgraced yourself from something you were forced into! I find that very sexy!" said Francine. "The way to faked cancer! That's something for the record books!" 

"Now let's start over from the beginning! This time we'll be Jake and Brett!" said Stan. 

"It's not too late to have sex nude on the beach!" said Francine.

"Since we didn't get to do that here in Spain, we can do it at the French Riviera!" said Stan.

Stan and Francine walked through Andalusia one last time and headed for the train station. Stan and Francine went on a train going to Paris France to continue with their month long European vacation. The real Don Salvador was still in exile and never showed his face in Spain again. Stan never found out Roger and Klaus were in Spain and Francine didn't bother to tell. This time around, Stan and Francine will finally be able to capture that magic that wanted to happen this time around. 

 

The End

 

The Proceeding has been a NarwhalPuppy production.


End file.
